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18th-Mar-2010 10:59 pm(no subject)
I just want to go into the woods and hide for a little bit.
Not really running away from...taking a break from...everything that is crazy and fucked up and unnecessary.
All the crazy people. The surreality of it all. All the work. Everything.
I just want to ride my bike all day and go back to the woods or a nice field and sit by a fire with a cold beer and a blanket and just be there. That sounds wonderful.
15th-Mar-2010 05:55 pm(no subject)
Paula is a wonderful person. Something of a mother-figure. I like that she talks to me as a person and not just as a kid or a student. I like that she still thinks that I am a good person even though she has seen me at my worst. I like that she hands me a glass of water and doesn't judge when I run into her at langdon completely wasted. And I like that she wants to spend time with me. It's weird, being friends with a teacher, but in a strange way it's really nice. It's nice to have someone looking out for you that you can be completely honest with. She knows more about me than my parents or probably any other adult. She gave me tips for hitchhiking, and wants to go on a walking adventure with me. We're out of high school now and somehow I feel like that makes me a real person.
5th-Mar-2010 11:43 am(no subject)
My life has changed so much in a very small amount of time. First I went to oregon. Then I came back. Went there again. Had a semi-normal christmas break, and now I am in burlington having some of the craziest adventures of my life. With perhaps the craziest people. I've been meeting people that live like I want to. Granted, since meeting them I have experienced numerous things I never imagined I would, but thats ok. They are a family. They have passion. They have fun. I like that they're like a family because I've never really experienced those dynamics before, being an only child and not really talking to my parents at all. But this group of people is made up of people of all ages, all types. It's hippies and artists and whoever else doesn't fit in anywhere else. It's interesting, how the older people are almost parent like and are guiding. Everyone loves each other even if they fight sometimes, and they look out for one another. There is this one girl who is down in new orleans with out a cell phone because it died, and they are frantically trying to find her a new one and the boy I met the other night is on his way to rescue her. I want that. I just want to find a new place to fit in and this seems almost perfect as long as I don't fall off and disappear into their world forever...I need to make it through school.
4th-Mar-2010 10:03 am(no subject)
What happens in the love bus...stays in the love bus.
28th-Feb-2010 02:48 pm(no subject)
I am tired of being responsible for irresponsible messes.
23rd-Feb-2010 09:04 pm(no subject)
too many secrets
23rd-Feb-2010 09:27 am(no subject)
Despite my terrible driving record, i have never been in a crash this bad. I had a feeling all night that we were going to crash but i kept telling myself that it was all in my head. Kimberly said that we probably would because we jinxed it too. Driving in the middle of the night on dirt roads with tomahawk music blasting, we suddenly lost control. There was a moment where it hit me that we were going off the road, but I stayed calm--went with it. The car swerved one way then another and soon enough we were flying off the road. We hit a tree and the car spun 180 degrees and landed on its side. I was the only one wearing a seat belt. We all sat there in shock for a moment, silently flipping out, with the music still blasting. We were lucky. We didn't die. The eggs in the back were still in tact. Never the less, it was terrifying. Thankfully we managed to get the side door open and climbed out, grabbing our beers and bags and walked.
We met Joe, a wonderful old man who was in the middle of his nightly cigar and crossword puzzle. He offered us Vermont neighborly help and offered to drive us to the party. At the party we drank away our bruises and tried to dance them off the best we could.
Aside from our rough start, the party itself was a good time. I love the NEK. There's something so wonderful about being so far away from everything that nothing else matters. It doesn't matter if people call you because there's no service and your phone dies almost instantly, and being out there makes me realize how much I just want to live a life like those people. They have everything people need--passion, friends, love, the outdoors, fun, work. I love the mountains and lakes and and trees...trees right outside your window/porches. What more do you need.
1 bad decision, 2 hrs of sleep, and 8 hours straight of rap music blasting later, we got up and and went to deal with the car. It was completely totaled, and we saw how close to flying out the windshield and dying we were. I had to use my AAA as I was the only one in the car with a license. It all worked out surprisingly well though. I made new friends, no one is getting fined/going to jail, we got 100 dollahs for it, and got a ride back to btown. crazy fucking night.
16th-Feb-2010 04:24 pm(no subject)
I made a valentines day resolution and broke it in under 24 hours. I need to stop.
15th-Feb-2010 01:05 pm(no subject)
I had a great night last night. No, maybe not great, but satisfying. I went to a party where all the people I want to be friends with were...essentially a dirty hippy party. It was a good time but it also made me realize that I need to commit to something. Maybe someone. I don't know. I need to figure out what I really want. I need to get my work done if i want to make school my life, or if I don't, I need to work harder at other aspects of my life--i need to work on the farm and join garden club and the outing club because I think that's what I want. I need to stop wasting time. I need to focus and I think that that includes manwise. I don't want onenight stands anymore and realize that I need plan B because I forgot to take my birthcontrol for the past week. I need to become responsible, if not for something else, at least for myself.
10th-Feb-2010 10:54 pm(no subject)
I am not unhappy. I just don't feel very fulfilled. I have realized that I'm tired of transitioning because I am realizing that eventually I will have to settle down. UVM is not a temporary thing. I liked how at LC I didn't feel the need to make friends because I knew I was leaving and it made things easier. Here I feel this pressure to make friends even though I am just as happy to do things on my own for a while. It's not to say I don't have friends. I do. I have plans with someone practically every day. I just need something solid where I can just be with a person and not have to make plans. More than anything though, I wan't a boy. I'm beginning to realize that while hook ups and friends with benefits are all fine and good, they don't really mean anything. Even though I have had "things" with a number of boys, I never have anything real and I'm beginning to think that that's a bad thing. I used to think that as long as I was getting some I was simply being independent, but I'm beginning to think that maybe being independent doesn't mean not committing to someone else, but instead that it is important to have someone that actually cares for you but doesn't want you to give up too much of yourself.
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